It's like a HEAT WAVE...oh yeah!

Have I mentioned lately that I'm ready for autumn weather? Well I am. Here's why:

It's the middle of August, which according to "averages" should be a wee-bit cooler than July here in Atlanta. Not so though! We are well above average AND in the middle of a drought. I enjoy summer, that is, until it turns perpetually 90 degrees-plus for weeks on end and then I'm just over it and ready to move on. But I love early summer when the plants I planted the year before burst out of the ground and we finally get some color. I love the first few trips to the pool, or the first (and usually only) trip to the beach. All very well and good, but all also very temporary.

About halfway through summer my mood always turns pessimistic. It's not like I'm not getting enough Vitamin E, because I certainly am. So I started thinking about this mid-summer crisis and I came up with a few possible reasons for why I feel like I do:

• It's too hot to get out and DO anything. This means that I'm inevitably stuck inside the house, or other similarly A/C'd place and I can't work off my energy.


• Same for the kids. Even though they are at daycare all day, if they don't get outside and exercise, they are little hurricanes when they come home at night. And this only leads to more "No, stop that!" and "Would you please stop talking for 5 minutes?" Generally things that make you feel like a bad parent later when you stop and think about it.


• Summer makes you do things you wouldn't normally have to do, which takes time away from things you want to do. For instance, watering outdoor plants. When I have to do it, it takes me almost an hour and a half to do it. An hour and a half when you have children, is like an eternity of free time just down the tubes. And sure, watering is easy and it's quiet, but you still sweat just standing there, so it's not fun.


• I also enjoy a nice walk after dinner to work off my compulsive eating disorder (it's all in my head) and you can't do that when it's so hot.


• It's too hot to play golf or even hit balls...my one hobby


• I'm tired of my summer wardrobe

And I think the weatherpeople around here are co-conspirators in that they keep tweaking the long range forecast. See, they start off by showing that it's gonna be really hot for three days, then they show a cooling trend. But then if you look at it the next day, it shows the same thing, just advanced one day. And the same happens the next day and the next day. It's like they know that people are looking to their long range forecast for just a little ray of hope--something to look forward to--and they don't want to ruin it by bald-faced admitting, "Yeah it's gonna be 98 degrees for the forseeable future. Sorry."

Anyway, I'm taking off this Friday despite it still being 94 degrees, but that just forces me to stay home and start pulling off that wallpaper rather than going and playing golf :( But you watch, one of the children will probably end up getting sick and instead of having a productive day off, it'll be Daddy Daycare with yours truly as the teacher, teacher's assistant, cleaning crew and chef.

Really...I don't ask for much...just some cool nights outside on my back porch listening to Audio Visions with a nice glass of Cabernet Sauvignon in my hand. Is that too much to ask? Is that so wrong?

Every little thing (s)he does is magic...

Our second baby boy is almost six months old this month (19th). He’s beautiful, a joy, all the proper adjectives a loving parent could wish for. But he’s not been the easiest baby we’ve known. Since his birth, we’ve survived nearly 14 weeks of colic, and all the fun that comes with. We’ve made it through his first two teeth coming in, the drool, the biting, the whining. Diaper rash, the sniffles, some puking...the works.

After six months of saying, “Nope, no more kids,” we finally started getting a bit of a reprieve. Lo, he started sleeping at night.

He’s been holding himself up for months so we felt pretty safe putting him on his tummy where slept like…well, a baby. Now he’s sitting up and playing on his own and if he could just coordinate the arm pushups with the legs pushes, he’d be crawling.

And that, my friends, is where our newest challenge comes from. See, he doesn’t like sleeping on his back, so when you lay him down in his crib at night, you have to put him on his tummy or he immediately wakes up. The last few nights however, as soon as we put him down on his tummy, he tucks his legs under him and pushes his butt up in the air. Sometimes he’ll just stay like that, and heaven forbid you try and straighten his legs out, because 9 out of 10 times, you’ll wake him up. Instead, you just cover him up and pray he sleeps.

For the last two nights, he’s awakened himself by rolling over during his sleep and since he doesn’t like sleeping on his back, he wakes up and cries. We go in, cuddle him quietly, give him a sip of bottle and down he goes…only to wake up again a couple of hours later. The last two nights, we’ve gotten up four times both nights. This can’t go on.

Last night, we even tried the beloved swing, which we don’t generally like to use, but which usually works for 5-6 hours. No dice. Every 1.5-3 hours he woke up. I know babies are a challenge, but my Lord, can’t a parent catch a break? This is particularly troublesome because my wife is traveling for four days next month, leaving lil’ ol me to answer the midnight calls. I’m considering earplugs and toughlove. Cuz remember, I tried toughlove by itself a month ago when my wife traveled and I didn’t have earplugs. After 45 mins, I gave in.

You know what we need, a “Baby Whisperer.” Is there a TV show for that on the Discovery Channel? (Holy Crap! There is!) Here

Gripe Session

(after writing this, I figured I'd better preface it with: I'm tired; work sucks for a variety of reasons and I still don't feel especially well)

Nothing of particular note happened this weekend. Ethan had a little girl/friend over to play and they had a lot of fun. The mom came over and was pretty much a brick. Just kinda hung out even though my wife told her to feel free (PULEASE!) to leave her daughter there and go catch up on some errands or something.

The ridiculous thing was that we told her to bring bathing suits as we would take the kids to the pool if the weather was nice. So, she brings her daughter a bathing suit, but not one for herself. Since the kids are only three, my wife correctly felt that SOMEONE ought to be in the pool with the kids (even though we have a lifeguard). So this meant that there were two adult females at the pool watching two 3-year olds and that also meant that I was at home watching the baby.

Does anyone else see the lunacy here? Three adults to watch three children??? Now, had the other mother brought her suit, then my wife could have watched our baby, leaving me free to do any number of things that need doing around the house. But noooooo.

I'm going to bust on the women here for a second, so my female readers will just have to bear with me. When did women in society today become so helpless when it comes to kids? I mean, we only have two kids and my wife is at her whits end by the end of the day if I'm not there to help. Same goes for a lot of women I know...especially the single moms.

Now, believe me, I know kids are tough. I sure as heck wouldn't want to be a stay-at-home dad, but one would argue that nature has not properly equipped men and therefore we biologically lack a lot of what it takes. For instance, I lack hips, so holding my son becomes a test of bicep strength. My wife on the other hand, can prop him on her hip and hold him all day.

Interestingly, we are only one generation away from moms who had 5 or more children and women today can't seem to handle the one or two they have. And yes, a lot of moms work these days, but haven't women argued all along that working at home is just as hard (nay, harder) than working at the office? If that's so, then why all the complaints about having to come home and care for the kids? Why is working at the office, and then coming home and watching the kids, any different from watching them all day? If I read it right, when dads came home just 15-20 years ago, they didn't take over watching the kids. No sir...they did what they needed to around the house, or else they just sat around. Amazingly, dinner still got served, the house still got cleaned, and most remarkably, the children didn't die from lack of neglect. I don't get it.

Maybe part of the problem is that working mothers carry so much guilt over not being home with their kids that when they are with their kids, they give it 200%. For example, I was briefly chatting with this mom at the house this weekend. I was standing there soaked in sweat from working in the yard, getting a glass of water before cleaning up so I could watch the baby while they went to the pool, and she says to me, "I tell you, I don't know how people have more than one or two children anymore. I just wish someone would come over and just take my daughter for a while so I could get something done."

In response, I said, "Yeah, it's tough," but in my head I'm saying, "Well, what ya do is you tell your child to go play by herself for a while and then you clean the house, pay the bills, cook the meal, whatever you need to do. Ya do know that you don't have to play with them 24x7 right? See, you tell your child what to do, not the other way around."

Perhaps I was so ready with this response because I want to say it in my own home so often, usually after a long day of work, when I have to come home and mow the grass or work on something and then cook dinner and or/ bathe the kids; which is pretty much every day.

I often wonder if we're not doing our children a disservice by being their only source of entertainment at home. It'll probably be better at our house when our boys are old enough to play with each other, but for now, my wife and I are both breadwinners, parents and playfriends and it's two very full time jobs.

I don't know...I just don't think that this whole dual income parenting this is fairly equitable anymore. Just as men are accused of not respecting how difficult being a stay-at-home mom is, I feel women don't respect that in addition to our office work, we men/fathers also have a bevy of things to do at home; especially if you own your own home and have any kind of yard. So while women get help with the kids, how many men get help with the house or the yard (note: I didn't raise my hand)?

Yeah, I'm a little frustrated. My wife has another "offsite" meeting tonight where she gets to spend the night at a local hotel and get a full night's sleep while I, yet again, get to stay home with the boys and answer the nighttime feeding request at 11 p.m. and then probably again at 2:30 a.m. and/or maybe at 4 a.m. Perhaps tonight I'll let him just cry through the 11p.m. feeding since my wife won't be there to coddle him. Heck, I know people with 2 month olds that sleep through the night, so maybe I'll let him cry through his 2:30 feeding too. We'll see. I need a REAL vacation I think.

Oh "ME" Oh my!

I have a friend--let's call her "Tammy Faye--who, after recently complaining of needing a vacation, and my telling her to take one and leave the kids at daycare, asked, "What would I do without the kids?"

crickets.......

What would ya do, you ask? Why any or all of the following:
- clean your house (when I said this, she just laughed...)
- take a nap (because she has sleep problems and doesn't get enough normally)
- vege on the couch
- anything NOT related to chasing after children

In the end, she decided NOT to take my advice, which baffles me because I take this opportunity as often as possible. In fact, I generally try to hold onto at least 3 days of "me" vacation each year. What happens on "me" vacation days? Oh, all kinds of things, like:
- have a long workout, as opposed to a fast one
- go play some golf, or at the very least, hit some balls at the driving range
- clean the house and/or catch up on some home maintenance stuff I've neglected

...the choices are endless. I just don't get these parents who have children and lose their own identity. Just because I have kids doesn't mean I forgot to have fun. I think a lot of parents feel that having children means they have to give up every part of thier life that doesn't included the children, when in fact, I believe the opposite is true. You must keep that part of your life that makes you happy; because if you're not happy, you won't be a good parent.

That said, I'm getting up tomorrow...I'll help my wife get the kids off to daycare...then I'm playing golf here. And I feel like it after playing golf and drinking a few beers in the 92 degree Georgia sun, I'll go to the gym.

I'm gonna have fun--sans kids--and I'm not gonna feel guilty about it.

Tummy Time

For nigh on two months now, our youngest son has enjoyed sleeping in his crib, on his stomach.

GASP!

Reason: When he was colicky, not even the beloved Fisher Price Swing would calm him down, but sleeping on his tummy did. Hey, you put up with a screaming kid for two months and see what levels of unbelievable irresponsibility you'll sink to. From my viewpoint, sleeping on his tummy is a minor transgression.

I know, I know, we're terrible parents, what with the risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) and all. Let me stress here that he has been able to hold his head up by himself the whole time and we never cover him with a blanket any higher than to his waist. So there's very little chance he'll suffocate in any way, shape or form.

Yesterday, he started daycare and they made it very clear that they "could not/would not" put him on his stomach to sleep. My wife said, "OK, but he's gonna cry."

And he did. However, when my wife checked on him during her lunch break, he was on his tummy sound asleep. This morning though, we were told that they got in trouble yesterday (State Law: and who the hell tattled anyway?) and that if we wanted them to continue to put him on his tummy we'd need a Dr's note.

Really? Is this the level of government intervention we've fallen to? What happened to letting the parent decide what is best for his or her child? No, I'm not niaive. I know that parents have been subjected to the whims of the state for years (vaccinations, spankings, etc) but telling me how my child can and cannot sleep is a little over the top.

But really, let's look at the reasons for this Law. Here are some quotes regarding SIDS:

• "Exactly why SIDS occurs remains elusive." Mayo Clinic
• "Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) is the sudden death of an infant under 1 year of age which remains unexplained after a thorough case investigation..." SidsCenter.org

So I think we can all agree that we don't know for sure why SIDS occurs. However, to be fair, statistics also say that since the whole "Back To Sleep" campaign started, SIDS rates have declined by 38%.

But still, the "guesses" as to why SIDS occurs include everything from Electromagnetic fields, to pet dander, to vaccinations. In fact, studies show that vaccines are overwhelmingly the #1 choice for the cause of SIDS:

" A study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association found that children diagnosed with asthma (a respiratory ailment not unlike SIDS) were five times more likely than not to have received pertussis vaccine.(1) Another study found that babies die at a rate eight times greater than normal within three days after getting a DPT shot.(2) The three primary doses of DPT are given at two months, four months, and six months. About 85 percent of SIDS cases occur at one through six months, with the peak incidence at age two to four months." ThinkTwice.com

Bottom line: While I'm sensitive to the argument that sleeping on the tummy increases the chance of SIDS, I also subscribe to the theories that there is generally an underlying problem that causes SIDS and that sleeping on the tummy is not the cause.

Really, I'm more ticked about the government's involvement. From seatbelts to my child's sleeping patterns, they're overstepping their bounds.

Temporary Insanity

If we're all truthful with ourselves (and the Internet), there are times, as a parent, when you question your ability to follow through. When the baby has been crying non-stop for hours, or, it's waaay past any sane person's bedtime and the baby is still going strong, while you're little more than a walking zombie, I would imagine most of us empathize (if not sympathize) with these parents who flip out and do something unspeakable to their children. I truly believe that in those times, parents do temporarily go out of their mind. And I don't mean that in a glib sort of way. I mean that in the most medically-relevant way possible. No loving parent would ever willingly do something bad to their children, but it takes patience of almost god-like proportions to remain calm and nurturing when the baby is at its worst.

That was me last night.

After having been up for nearly 5 hours with no nap, our little "angel" had gone to sleep numerous times, only to wake up the second you tried to put him down. I'd give him a bottle, and he'd suck on it with enough force to unclog a straw clogged with cheese grits--all the while grunting and breathing as if he'd just run a 10K marathon.

I was to the point of trying to find ear plugs so I didn't have to listen to the grunting. I mean, I've heard of baby's crying and it driving parents crazy, but just their breathing? What's wrong with me when that noise makes me want to see if I can put my hand clean through the sheetrock AND the stud it's attached to?

Luckily, there are two of us and I finally passed him off around 9 p.m. where he struggled for more than an hour more with my wife before succumbing to exhaustion.

Something's gotta give. My prayer, "Dear God, after putting up with colic for nearly 3 months before you gave us a smile to hang onto, please make him want to go to bed by 8, so I can feel like a normal human being again. Thanks.!"

Of Guilt and Parenting

So last night was better. I was able to coerce "the young one" into sleep in my arms on the couch before 9 p.m. Of course, at 3:30 a.m. when I relieved my wife, he decided he'd had quite enough of sleep and thought how much better it would be to instead, stay up and ingest as much milk as possible, while grunting and rooting around in daddy's lap with a ferocity to equal Hurricane Andrew.

At 4 a.m., as I sat fairly naked on a cold leather glider (oh yes, the nice Dutallier) trying unsuccessfully to balance not too much milk, not too much pacifier, burping, rocking and staying awake, I'll admit to having lost my temper. Words were exchanged (well, words and grunts), things were said that I'm not proud of and I generally lost sight of all that is well and beautiful about a newborn. Open conscience, insert guilt here...

Which brings up an interesting point:

If babies are supposed to be such a joy and treasure, why are they so fussy and miserable?

I suppose that once they reach a certain age of self-reliance, you start viewing them as the treasure they really are, but when you're out in public with your newborn and everyone is oohing and aaahing over him/her, do you ever just wanna hand him over and say, "You like him so much, why don't you take him for the night?"

It's weird if you think about it, but that same mom (or dad) who is now sitting there with you smiling and acting all proud of their child, is the same one who just last night, or even an hour ago, was hecticly running around the house gathering up supplies and lamenting the fact that they no longer have any time for themselves (and God forbid "spouse time").

Is it all a show? Are these people on bulletin boards talking about how precious their little one is and how much they "get off" on being a parent just full of crap? Or did they really get this little angelic bundle of ease that you can only dream of? If so, it's not fair.

You know, it's not just the sleeplessness that gets to me. It's the immersion in everything baby that does it. Get up, feed baby. Go to work. Come home, take baby from spouse and wrestle with him for three hours. Get a few hours of sleep, get up and start again.

At the end of the day, I blame gay men and working women. Oh yes, think about it. Gay men have made "sensitivity" cool and women have made themselves the professional equal to men. However, the problem lies deeper than that. To compete, straight men have adapted. We've become sensitive and paternal to the point where we "act" like we want to be just as involved in our child's rearing as the mom, but the truth is, we really don't have the wiring for it. Women, on the other hand, have juggled home duties for so long that working professionally is just a natural extension of their everyday duties--it has required no special adaptation for which their body and mind isn't prepared for.

I'll be the first to admit I'm selfish and so maybe part of my frustration stems solely from that, but the bald truth is that I simply do not have the patience to be a father to an infant. Oh, I can do it in short stints, but I lack the "patience gene" required to sit for an hour doing nothing more than holding a baby and a bottle. God forgive me if, rather than staying awake half the night wreslting with a baby, I'm better suited to wrestling with the lawnmower. I can't just "enjoy the moment" when it comes to caring for an infant. In this, my wife wins hands down; no contest.

Here's to hoping my wife doesn't want to try for a girl.

Oh, I know it will pass and I know that I've already successfully done it once, but that doesn't make today any easier.

I Need Sleep...

As I sit here with my left arm feeling like I played Sylvester Stallone's "Lincoln Hawk" character in "Over the Top," (this is from craddling my 3-week old son for so long last night), I'm trying to recall all the whitty Blog topics that were running through my head last night as I lay down trying to ignore the "aaggnn, unmmm, uuuggghhh" noises coming from the baby room around midnight last night.

They were really good topics too, but like great dreams, they have fled, much like my energy level.

I think one of them (and again, at midnight it sounded like a much better topic idea) was about the strange things that go through your head when you finally get a chance to go to sleep. I mean, it's like your brain said, "Look buddy, you've been sitting like a zombie in training class all day doing next to nothing, now it's my turn to get some exercise." Which wouldn't be bad necessarily if only it coincided with, say...when my BODY IS ACTUALLY FREAKING UP AND MOVING AROUND AND NOT TRYING TO SLEEP!

Last night's song du-jour, was that pathetic excuse for a hippy, John Maher's "Gravity" song. I'm really curious how his album deal went. I mean, he is clearly NOT the romantic "Bubble-Gum Tongue" ladies man (with better hair) that we were originally led to believe he was. I think they said, "OK John, here's the deal, take it or leave it. You do two songs "Our Way" and then you can just do whatever the hell you want. We just want two songs to get the ladies on your side buying your albums and then you can go off the reservation and start bashing the Baby Boomers and Gen X'ers all you want."

That's how it plays out in my head anyway.

OK, I have day 2 of "New Hire" training for the job I've been doing for a month now, so gotta run.